Those who have followed me for a while may know that this isn’t my first blog.
Back in 2012, when my boyfriend at the time was diagnosed with bowel cancer at the age of 30 (I was 21), I started a blog about our journey throughout his illness.
It then branched out slightly and became about us in general. I documented our engagement, our wedding and the birth of our daughter, Esmée.
To begin with, the blog was intended to be my own private place to vent but it wasn’t long before people stumbled across it and started to follow our story. I found writing about the trials and tribulations of Steve’s illness therapeutic and calming – arranging the words on the pages helped to process and organise my thoughts to make them feel a little less chaotic in my head.
When Steve died, as much as I wanted to keep on writing, I just didn’t know where to start. So much had happened, so much was going through my head each day and night but when I sat down to write on the blog, I just couldn’t find the words. I thought maybe I’d “lost my mojo” a bit, but in hindsight, the need and the desire to write hadn’t gone anywhere. I realise now that the hard part was deciding what to write. For three years, the blog had been all about the facts and my feelings towards them. With every new hospital appointment, chemotherapy session or letter came new information, and with every new piece of information came different feelings. Then, suddenly, all of those hundreds of facts paled into insignificance and the one fact I had left, the only one that mattered now, was that my husband had died. The feelings I had over his death did not, and have not changed. There was nothing new to write about. I tried to keep writing but after two or three forced “update” posts, I abandoned the blog and just hoped that one day I’d find things to write about again.
Fast forward to today… We’re approaching 17 months since Steve died and, despite how desperately I wanted the world to stop turning and just freeze for a while so that I could pick myself up off the floor and take a few deep breaths, it didn’t. Looking back, I realise that a whole lot of life has happened since I lost my husband. The gap he’s left in our lives doesn’t get any smaller but I’ve been surrounding that gap with beautiful things that make us smile and I am determined to build a life for us that he would be proud of.
Thank you for reading.